


feelings

by Iittlesparkle



Series: girls like girls [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Clubbing, F/F, Genderswap, OR IS IT, Oblivious Phil, Song fic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-07 04:27:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17953595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iittlesparkle/pseuds/Iittlesparkle
Summary: I'm sorry that I care, careI'm sorry that I care, careIt's really not that fair, fairI can't help but care-written for the femslash february flash fic fest !this is a song fic inspired by feelings by hayley kiyokoit's also the prequel to my fic "she means everything to me"





	feelings

**Author's Note:**

> big thanks to my beta clara ! find her here [x](http://lumosneverland.tumblr.com/) and here [x](https://jamesiriuslytherin.tumblr.com/)

Feelings

_I walk through this world, just tryna be nice_

_They say I'll get hurt, if I'm not like ice_

“Fi...”

“What?” Fi sighs, knowing damn well she's going to get another «be careful» speech.

“You _know_ what. You always get your hopes up and then she crushes them. I know you hate when I say that, but I have to be honest, you know I do.” Louise says in that mildly condescending tone.

“I won't this time. I... learned my lesson. I can't really stop my feelings though, that's not how it works.” Fi pinches the space between her eyebrows, already frustrated with the conversation.

“You can't, but you can put some space between you two.”

“I don't want to. She's my best friend.”

“But you have other friends! I'm here, Bry is here, it's not like you're completely alone apart from her.”

_I know I've got friends, I still get so lonely_

“I know that, but it's not the same. If she wasn't there... Even if it's not true, I'd feel like I have no friends.”

“That's because you're in love with her.” She hates hearing it. It's obviously true but when it's just in her head, she can act like it's not a thing. When other people bring it up, it's makes it too real.

Fi hangs a few minutes after, still feeling a bit uneasy. She knows Louise is right, she should get over it, but she just can't. She doesn't want to think about it, not now nor ever, and especially tonight, she just wants to have a good time. Dani and she will be going out and it will be fun, and she won't cry in the bathroom like every time.

She needs to find an outfit first, which isn't an easy task. She spends so much time in front of her dresser, trying to find something to wear, that Dani knocks at her door when she's still in her underwear. She screams «ONE SEC» when she hears the door opens but obviously that's useless because one second later Dani enters the room.

“Oh, wow you could've warned me.” Dani whistles with that terribly charming smirk on her face.

“I did you bitch! Get out!” She's pretty sure her whole body, especially her face, is on fire.

“Oh, come on that's nothing I haven't seen before.” Dani says, her smirk growing. Fi is going to kill her. If only she knew how that makes her feel.

“I’m picking my outfit.”

“Well then I’m here just on time to help you choose. Who knows what could happen, you could meet the love of your life.” Dani says that lightly, as if it doesn’t make Fi’s heart crumble in her chest as she once again realises nothing will ever happen between them.

_If I look in your eyes, I'll want you to hold me_

She tries on a few outfits, all the while trying to avoid Dani’s gaze. It’s like a laser beam, inspecting her from head to toes and she can’t bear it. She’s making little appreciating hums sometimes but other than that she doesn’t say much.

“I thought you were supposed to help me choose, you’re not even saying anything!” Fi grunts while rearranging the leather jacket she’s wearing.

“I just think you look good in all of them.” Dani replies, and when Fi turns to see the look on her face, she doesn’t find an ounce of sarcasm.

“I do?”

“Yeah. Just keep that one.” It looks pretty great and Fi probably would’ve chosen this one on her own. Black jeans, black leather jacket, she almost looks cool. She rummages through her stuff to take her make up bag, Dani’s eyes still glued on her.

“Woah and I’m usually the one who’s late, do you really need makeup?” She whines, her head falling back on the bed.

“I don’t go out enough to skip makeup when I do. It’s fun too, it’s like painting or something.” Fi tries to explain.

“Yeah, never really got the fuss about it, I’m not patient enough.” Fi sits on the bed next to Dani and takes out mascara, a little eye shadow palette and a nice lipstick. She doesn’t have the time for more, and she doesn’t know if she can stand Dani’s eyes on her for that long. She’s still laying on the bed, but her eyes are following the light sway of the brush.

_I'm sorry that I care, care_

_I'm sorry that I care, care_

_It's really not that fair, fair_

_I can't help but care_

 “Stop watching me, you’re stressing me out.” Fi says, her throat tight. She doesn’t think a word of it.

« It’s quite fascinating. » Dani murmurs, and Fi thinks _you_ are fascinating, but instead she says:

« I told you it’s really relaxing. »

When she’s done she put on a thick coat of mascara, and as she opens her hand to grab the lipstick, Dani stops her and take it instead.

“Can I try? I want to see if I’m any good.” She’s already taking of the cap.

“Lipstick doesn’t take any kind of skills but… sure.” Fi immediately regrets agreeing when Dani sit back up and gets closer to her face. She feels like she needs to close her eyes, she shouldn’t just stare like that, but then Dani’s staring too and she can’t bring herself to. Dani seems to remember the task at hand suddenly and starts applying the lipstick to Fi’s lips. It’s too much, having her stare at her lips for this long, and Fi has to remind herself that it doesn’t mean anything.

“I’m all done!” Dani exclaims, looking far too proud of herself. Fi looks at herself and it’s probably not the best job ever, but she feels giddy just thinking about who did it.

_I over-communicate and feel too much_

_I just complicate it when I say too much_

“It looks good! Now I’m really going to find the love of my life, right?” Fi says, and even she can hear how bitter she sounds.

“Why are you saying it like that?” Dani looks so confused and Fi regrets saying it immediately. It’s not Dani’s fault, how could she know.

“Nothing, anyway let’s go.” She grabs her bag and leave the room before the conversation goes any further.

-

_I laugh about it, dream about that casual touch_

_Sex is fire, sick and tired of acting all tough_

Fi has no god damn idea how they ended up like this, dancing together, but she is sure as hell not going to complain.

They went out together before, but it was never like this. The tension Fi had started before had only seemed to get worse as they arrived at the club.

Dani seemed really determined to get as drunk as possible and bought them both a drink as soon as they entered the bar. She then proceeded to chug it all in one go before buying another one immediately.

That’s how they ended up there, Dani dancing her ass off, way too close to Fi for her own good. She keeps bumping into her, shooting those devastating smiles over her shoulder with every spin. Every touch sends electricity down Fi’s whole body, the good kind, all warm and fuzzy. Everything is loud, and the pink light is a little too harsh but none of that matter as long as Dani keeps smiling like that.

Despite everything, it still feels wrong.

_I'm hooked on all these feelings_

_I know exactly what I'm feelin'_

Fi loves her, it’s not just a stupid game. Is any of this real if it took Dani two drinks to express any interest in her?

No matter how hard she tries to stop it, she can’t. Not when Dani is grabbing her hands and properly dancing with her now. Not when their eyes are locked together like that.

_This love asylum, like an island, just me and you_

Nothing feels real anymore, it is just them both in their own little bubble. Like the second both of their hands got intertwined, they travelled to another world where none of these drunk people are bumping into them ever few second, where the music and the lights are just for them.

All she can see is those eyes, darker than ever before, hooded by too much alcohol and maybe something else, something she doesn’t want to hope for.

It’s how far away from everything she feels that make her say those stupid words.

“I can’t find the love of my life if you’re always around.” When Dani replies, it’s directly into her ear, her body so impossibly closer that she can smell her.

“I changed my mind, I don’t want you to.”

_Spent the night, you got me high_

_Oh, what did you do?_

_-_

“Fiii, stop being stupid. Come up here, your dorm is like twenty minutes away.” She says, her voice still drawn out by the alcohol. Then she adds, somehow more clearly, as if she’d been acting drunker than she was. «I don’t want you out here alone, it’s late. » Somehow, that makes Fi’s heart all warm.

“Ok ok, but you better give me a blanket, I froze to death on that couch last time.”

“Ugh, just sleep in my bed, I’m too lazy.”

On their way up, Fi really tries not to think of the fact Dani’s bed is very much a single bed and there’s no way she won’t make it awkward, but her brain is fogged up by the last trace of alcohol in her system and it’s really all she can think about, like a song on repeat. _Dani’s bed, her bed, with her._

Entering Dani’s flat still feels like a dream, even if she has countless time before, because everything is different tonight, everything is tinted pink.

They brush their teeth in comfortable silence (weirdly that feels intimate) and go to her room. That’s when it starts feeling real.

_I'm hooked on all these feelings_

Dani takes of her shirt and Fi looks away, even if she probably wouldn’t have with any of her other friends.

“Sorry, you don’t mind, right?” Dani says, her words still a bit slurred.

“Err no, of course not. Going to do the same actually.” Fi laughs awkwardly As she takes her shirt off, Dani step off her jeans. That feels like a lot, but Fi is still not looking.

Or maybe just one or two glances.

Dani flops back onto the bed and into the blankets, snuggling into the mattress comfortably. This time Fi is looking. It’s just too cute not to. She wants to join her and hug her and cherish her for even existing. She can only do the first thing sadly, so after taking off her jeans, she does.

_Caught up inside, both happy and lonely_

It’s enough really. Their sides have to be pressed together for them to both fit on the bed, and Dani’s hair are tickling her shoulder, she can hear her calm breathing, she’s so near. She could be quite content like that.

She would if she didn’t know how little it means to Dani. How to her, it’s just easier than finding a blanket. How this is real for tonight but will fade away tomorrow morning, when Dani’s alcoholic induced frenzy wears off.

The good and the bad adds up and in the end, she just feels really numb.

_Keep telling me lies, they're killing me slowly_

“You know I love you Fi right?” Dani murmurs into the silence.

“I know. I love you too.” She also knows Dani won’t say it again in the morning. She also knows they don’t mean it in the same way, never will, never have.

_I get too attached, they don't even know me_

Fi loved her right away, even when they didn’t know more about each other than each other’s name. Dani loved her right away too, but differently. Fi wanted more, Dani was more than happy about their friendship, and now it’s too late.

_Why can't I relax? Why can't I relax?_

She doesn’t fall asleep for a while after that, despite how exhausted she feels. She keeps thinking about how stupid she’s being. About what Louise had said, what she’s been telling herself for a while now.

She needs to stop, stop doing everything for her, caring so much for her, loving her.

_I'm sorry that I care, care_

_I'm sorry that I care, care_

_It's really not that fair, fair_

_I can't help but care_

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed some more good old lesbian loving <3
> 
> share on [tumblr](https://iittlesparkle.tumblr.com/post/183123968002/feelings) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/Iittlesparkle/status/1101221411853611011)


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